3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
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