After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
