Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
