made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
