I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
