He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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