I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize