Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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