She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
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