i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i used baking grease as lip gloss
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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