We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
