1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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