I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
