Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
