so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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