A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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