I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize