The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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