I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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