ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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