She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
