where am i from again
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
