Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Randomize
