oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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