this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
