A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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