guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
