ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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