party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
