i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
