drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
