I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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