Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize