Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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