but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
