filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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