Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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