in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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