Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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