Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
