Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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