your parents love me but you hate me
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize