The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
