I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
