I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
