Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
