can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
