he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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