I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
