Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
