the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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