So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
