You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Randomize
