wat bout pragnant strippers??
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
