The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
