Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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