listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
