Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
