He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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