Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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